Last week, a presumably tweenaged Twitter user broke some of the years most irrelevant news – Avril Lavigne is supposedly suffering from “undisclosed health issues”. All things considered, this is a useless piece of information to be made public – this revelation only affects you if you happen to be a pre-teen (which, if you’re reading this, you probably are) who enjoys the musical stylings and/or other totally un-noteworthy projects of Avril Lavigne (which, whether or not you’re reading this, you probably don’t).
Unsurprisingly, no one gives enough of a shit about this sort-of-story to dedicate more than a headline plus one or two sentences to it – because I’m forcing myself to write something “just for me”, that’s all about to change. Guys – what’s going on with Avril and why have we been asked to #PrayFor her? One thing’s for certain — I’m going to feel pret-ty bad when she publicly comments on her cancer diagnosis (or something even more awful) next week.
As previously stated, there’s essentially nothing to this story so far — it isn’t even all that interesting. To make this into something it’s not, I’ve chosen to compile a series of speculations in a format that somewhat resembles that of Serial, the popular NPR podcast that prevents all your overworked, tightly wound, upwardly mobile acquaintances from offing themselves week after week (IF I DIE BEFORE FINDING OUT WHETHER OR NOT ADNON DID IT, I WILL FUCKING KILL MYSELF).
Could this be a massive PR stunt designed to force the singer back into public consciousness? Does Chad play a role in all of this? What exactly happened in Japan? All this and more on this week’s Sk8erial.
1. Inconsistencies
Avril Lavigne recently turned 30 years old and, according to super-fan @AvrilMusicChart, she’s sick. After DMing Lavigne on Twitter completely out of the blue (or so she claims), @AvrilMusicChart found herself in surprisingly intimate conversation with her idol. Here’s what happened.
What can we learn from this exchange? @AvrilMusicChart had questioned the singer about her activities over an extended period of time (we’re talking a full year, not mere months), and the language Avril uses seems to adhere to that timeline – note her use of terms like “absent” and her willingness to incorporate emojis into this conversation.
While the wording of Avril’s DM seemed to suggest this illness has plagued her for the better part of a year, the situation couldn’t have seemed all too dire in the summer months. The proof? Lavigne was performing festival shows in Japan as recently as August of this year. She also started experimenting with hats – this willingness to try new things could suggest optimal health, or the exact opposite.
2. To Be Suspected
Over the last few years, Avril made some questionable career choices, many of which have a direct correlation with her blossoming relationship and eventual marriage to Nickelback front man Chad Kroeger – we’ll talk more about him in a later episode. While her last few albums did decently overseas, things at home weren’t quite as peachy. 2013’s Avril Lavigne received mediocre to decent reviews on the whole, but critics started to question the authenticity of Lavigne’s rebellious persona – an egregious insult to hurl at anyone who has dedicated their lives to the punk princess ethos.
Could Avril have just needed some time to regroup and reformulate her image in a way that would demand respect from these naysayers? Was she simply busy plotting the perfect retort? A mysterious illness could be the perfect way to buy back the hearts of American media sources, especially when #Ebola has been trending as of late.
3. The Best Defense Is A Good Defense
Sometimes the simplest explanation is the best one – in this instance, that doesn’t seem to be the case. “Hello Kitty”, the only Avril single to make a splash in recent memory, has been accused by some of being intensely racist. Avril fought these claims tooth and nail, explaining that it couldn’t be racist because she “loves Japan” — that was the end of that.
Others simply felt the single to be overwhelmingly stupid, and took to the web to make these sentiments known – Avril has received this type of critique regularly throughout the course of her career, and it has never stopped her before. While blaming “Hello Kitty” for the singer’s downfall and subsequent showbiz hiatus (aka “undisclosed health issues) would be the easiest way to conclude this investigation, I just can’t help but wonder if there’s something more to this story than meets the eye.
4. The Case Against Chad
How does the husband fit into all this? Well, early on in this gripping saga, reports speculated that Lavigne may be pregnant with the couple’s first child — her representation has since spoken out against these claims. Remember how I mentioned those festival shows Lavigne played back in August? Well, that was right around the time Nickelback announced via Twitter that their latest studio album, No Fixed Address, would be released in November. While the group continues to churn out what can only be described as “rock hits”, No Fixed Address’ lead single, “Revolution”, was a little on the political side – this would be a first for Kroeger and co.
Considering literally no one has listened to No Fixed Address since its November 17th release, it very well could be jam packed with controversial material – maybe the motivation for Avril’s stepping out of the spotlight has something to do with the embarrassment and shame her husband has brought upon their family unit. Delving deeper into this theory, I sincerely suspect that No Fixed Address may contain anti-Asian sentiments, an enormous problem for Lavigne’s career considering her gigantic Japanese fan base.
There’s also a significant possibly that, whether due to embarrassment or lack of companionship, Avril cheated on Chad while overseas – after discovering she had taken another “boi” while on the road, Chad might have started spiking her drinks with CLR (or some other, less-heavily-advertised-on-late-night-TV cleaning product), a habit he just hasn’t been able to shake.
5. Rumors
I’m sure we’re both asking ourselves the same questions this far into the investigation – just what happened in Japan? Did she, in fact, cheat on Chad like any quasi-intelligent person of questionable taste would? Did a local take offense to her likely offensive representation of Japanese culture in various music videos, promotional stills and moments of living and try to end the singer’s career for good? Did she just get food poisoning?
After reaching out to @AvrilMusicChart, I feel like I’m less certain about this whole thing now than I was at the beginning of this case. “I… I just don’t know. What happened? Like, I thought she was sick. Like, really, really sick and I wanted to help,” the Tweeter told me over the phone. “But now… ugh! Maybe she isn’t? Like, what about Chad? And Japan? Wow, I just figured… Maybe she… Wow. Just wow. I have no idea. This is… hard.”
“Honestly,” I replied, “I’m just about as confused as you are.”
Next time, on Sk8erial:
-We get an update from @AvrilMusicChart after reaching out to Avril a second time, and receiving absolutely no information in return.
-More about the peripheral members of Nickelback – might those nameless freaks have something to do with this?
-We get exclusive access to Avril’s medical history and speak to the Japanese doctor she visited that one time she thought she might be allergic to gluten.
-We finally get a phone call from Jay, but hang up immediately because, seriously, fuck that guy.
LameGenerator 